Suicide

This was a tough post to write. Not only because it is such a sensitive subject, but also because it is so personal to me. The reasons are complex and I won't go into much detail, but by doing this I know I am exposing myself to a level of scrutiny I'm not entirely comfortable with. And I am fully aware that people who know me and read this post will see me differently--something I don't particularly like. But I feel that this post will give my readers some insight into what severe depression is like. Especially for people who have never suffered from it.

I was in graduate school when I finally got treatment for my condition. By that time it had gotten so bad that I really had no choice. It was either get treatment or I would eventually kill myself. I ended up doing two semesters of one-on-one counseling and over the summer I did group therapy. I found the treatment to be helpful and worthwhile. It didn't change my life in any dramatic way--at least not right away. But it was worthwhile and it helped me deal with some things that needed dealing with.

I remember one of the therapy group participants saying that no matter how bad things got he would never seriously consider killing himself. And I suppose that's how it is for most people. Its difficult to understand unless you've been there. And I suspect that for people who have not been there this could be a tough post to read.

A Living Hell
I would describe my depression years as a living hell. I started to feel really depressed after my family moved from California to Idaho, right in the middle of high school. It was around this time that I started to have suicidal thoughts. I had few friends and was not a social person. I think I went on maybe two or three dates. From the outside I looked like a normal, good looking, shy, teenage boy. I was talented, for example, in music. I was always pushing myself to be better at things I enjoyed. So I had ambition and drive. But I kept a hangman's noose under my bed.

I hated my last two years of high school. So much so that I didn't even attend my own graduation. I drove to school the next day and got my diploma from the principle. He tried to improvise a kind of ceremony but I was just glad I never had to go back.

I graduated from high school with a GPA of about 2.10. I was accepted to Idaho State University, provisionally, on the condition that I play bass guitar in their jazz band, which is what wanted to do anyway. I took all music classes and got pretty good grades.

When I turned 19 I served a two year LDS mission in Africa. I did suffer from insomnia which made things very difficult. I had suffered from insomnia for years but it became more apparent to me on my mission. I was still withdrawn. I still felt disconnected from those around me. But I don't recall having any suicidal thoughts. My mission was otherwise quite normal.

I came back from my mission and transferred to Ricks College, graduated with an Associates degree, then to BYU to get my Bachelors.

In high school I had been tested for dyslexia. While at BYU I went through some more testing and was found to have attention deficit problems. The learning disabilities made school more difficult. Depression, insomnia, and concentration problems are a very difficult combination to live with. I was probably getting 30-35 hours of sleep per week. I could almost guarantee that at least one night a week I wouldn't get any sleep at all. Learning, socializing, school, friends, and work were all extremely difficult. Socializing was a bit confusing. 

It seemed like life was happening all around me and I was a spectator. 

I had always been the type of person who didn't "get" interpersonal politics. You know, the clueless person who was not aware of the high school drama; who was dating who, conflicts between friends and coworkers. I just felt like I wasn't part of anything. In this respect church helped because it was a way for me to be part of something. I never quite felt accepted at church; but I never felt unwelcome either. I tended to believe I was tolerated by good, kind people who just felt sorry for me. If a girl was interested, she was just being nice and felt sorry for me. If a guy invited me to do something, he was just being polite. I never thought of these people as mean; they were actually really nice. But neither would they miss me if I wasn't around.

It seemed like every other year was especially bad. My grades would tank. I was nearly expelled from BYU. Life went on and I was going nowhere. I had to spend all of my effort just to keep from drowning.

I stayed in school. Partly because I had dreams and ambition. But also because I had nothing else to do with my life.

I was 30 and still in a university singles ward--I looked much younger than I was. One night there was a church activity. They showed the movie "The Singles Ward", a quirky LDS romantic comedy. I went by myself. I saw all the couples and friends sitting together. They looked so happy. Everyone was having a good time. I tried to stay but I couldn't stand it anymore. I went home and started taking pills. I think I took about nine before I stopped. I decided to delay my suicide for a day--maybe I would feel better tomorrow.

That was the first time I had ever taken steps to end my life. And I knew if I didn't get treatment it wouldn't be the last.

I would say age 30 was the tipping point. I got counseling through the university. I started to put on weight because I was getting older--I wasn't such a beanpole anymore. But there were other changes. I started to notice things I hadn't noticed before: friendship dynamics, work/school politics. I even found it a little easier to pick out song lyrics from the radio. The changes were small but noticeable. It was as if someone had turned up the light just barely enough to notice it.

I was about 35 when I found an effective way to mitigate my insomnia problem, which helped a lot. My social skills were slowly improving.

I was able to eventually complete my Ph.D. But literally, I spent 18 years at university--I consulted my many transcripts to confirm this. I didn't make more than about $16,000/year until I was 37.

I graduated, got a good job, and eventually dated a wonderful woman who I married. I'm 42 now. Its been over ten years since I got treatment and I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. Sometimes I wonder how I survived.

What about life experiences and depression?
My life growing up was very normal in most respects. I'm from an active LDS middle class home--four sisters and a brother. I was hardly ever bullied. I was never abused physically, sexually, or verbally. My parents never divorced. They never fought in front of the children. I've always been active in church. I've always paid a full tithing. I have never used drugs. I have never had an alcoholic beverage. I have never questioned my sexual orientation--I'm hetero. I've never been mentally ill. I've never had hallucinations--though I do have a tendency to talk to myself sometimes. On the outside I've always been a very normal looking, normal acting guy.

For a long time I thought of my depression as normal. I though suicidal thoughts were normal. I believed that life was like this for everyone. What else would it be like? When I began to realize that this was not the case it surprised me. Really! You mean, most people don't think about killing themselves? Wow!

My mental states
One thing I have come to believe is that people who are thinking about killing themselves are probably not thinking clearly. Suicide is not the rational choice. But, when you are in that state of mind you believe it is. You believe people won't miss you. You believe they would be OK without you. In a severely depressed state of mind you will honestly, sincerely believe those things. I did.

I want to point out that not all depressed people have suicidal thoughts. But people who are having suicidal thoughts are very likely severely depressed.

From my experience, when I was having suicidal thoughts there was more going on then just not taking pleasure in life. There were times when I believed that killing myself made sense. I believed my friends and family would be fine without me. But in reality, it makes no sense and my death would be utterly devastating to my friends and family. I would try to anticipate the next bout of severe depression hoping to prepare myself for it. This was in vain. When I went back into the worst levels of my depression I would have suicidal thoughts.

I also found it difficult to learn. When I was at my worst it was nearly impossible for me to do math or physics problems I wasn't familiar with. But when I was feeling better I could solve them with reasonable effort. My concentration problems would also become more severe and I tended to talk to myself more than usual. My insomnia was always bad and medication for depression and my insomnia did not help.

I understand that it's difficult to determine what causes what: attention problems, insomnia, depression, a sense of social isolation, poor academic performance, suicidal thoughts. But I feel very strongly that most people who are having suicidal thoughts are not thinking clearly, and probably cannot think clearly.

The Gospel and Suicide
There is a sense in the Church that if you live the Gospel then the emotional baggage that holds you down will go away. For example, the Eternal Marriage Student Manual has a passage that reads,

...the one who confidently looks forward to an eternal reward for his efforts in mortality is constantly sustained through his deepest trials; when his bank fails, he does not commit suicide... (Eternal Marriage Student Manual: Modesty and Morality)

Here is another example from the October 1973 General Conference.

...so instead of shooting himself, he did a little analyzing and he discovered that his mind had been operating like a giant junk factory, turning out all kinds of mental, emotional, and spiritual junk...[He] decided to change himself...he dumped overboard a lot of his bad habits of liquor, tobacco, and irresponsibility. He decided to adopt some good attitudes, think like a man, be responsible, and go to work. ("A Fortune to Share", Sterling W. Sill)

Those two examples do not reflect the Church's official position but they do reflect a broad sensibility held by many, many, members. A more official position is this: 

Although it is wrong to take one's own life, a person who commits suicide may not be responsible for his or her acts. Only God can judge such a matter. Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has said:

“Obviously, we do not know the full circumstances surrounding every suicide. Only the Lord knows all the details, and he it is who will judge our actions here on earth.

“When he does judge us, I feel he will take all things into consideration: our genetic and chemical makeup, our mental state, our intellectual capacity, the teachings we have received, the traditions of our fathers, our health, and so forth“ ("Gospel Topics: Suicide", LDS.org)

Elder Ballard's talk "Suicide: Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not" is very good.

Most passages about suicide found in church publications deal with people who have suffered a sudden financial or personal loss, a loss of health, or had sinful personal habits. I can see how someone in those circumstances might contemplate suicide. I also believe they could possibly roll up their sleeves and work their way toward better mental health. I also suspect they have a much better chance of surviving through work. But it wasn't like that for me. 

Some of you might be thinking, "But you didn't kill yourself! You made it. You must have done all the right things." But I didn't work my way out of it ether. When I was at my worst there was nothing I could have done to change my mental state. It can be tempting to believe that those who survived somehow rolled up their sleeves and those who didn't somehow failed. But human beings are more similar than they are different; significantly more similar than different. Which is why we can understand one another; which is why psychology, social science, and medicine are possible. I believe my experience is similar to what other people have suffered. But sadly, many of those who didn't survive aren't here to explain.

Politics and Suicide
In 2010 Roseanne Barr had some very harsh things about Marie Osmond and the Mormon Church regarding the suicide of Marie's son.

“Marie Osmond’s poor gay son killed himself because he had been told how wrong and how sick he was every day of his life by his church and the people in it. Calling that ‘depression’ is a lie...Hey, I want her and all the gay kids in the world to know that they are just fine being gay and that they deserve love and respect instead of insults and rebuke!...I know so many Mormon kids who were gay and committed suicide, and I just cannot and will not stay quiet in order to not offend bigots anymore. ("Roseanne Barr’s Swift Attack on Marie Osmond and Her Anti-Gay Church", queerty.com)

I have several problems with Roseanne's statement. But the main issue is that she tried to explain why Marie's son killed himself: "because he had been told how wrong and how sick he was every day of his life...calling it 'depression' is a lie." I realize that for many gay people, and for friends and family of gay people, this is a sensitive subject. But Roseanne's statement borders on a diagnosis. She shouldn't attempt to determine why another person was having suicidal thoughts. She has denied depression was a factor and simplified a condition that is likely to be complex. The subject of suicide should be treated with special care.

Certainly a person's beliefs will affect her thoughts. A gay person raised in an environment where being gay is condemned will likely struggle to feel accepted and have emotional conflicts. The point I want to make here is, when you're confronted with a person who has expressed thoughts of suicide, don't simplify or judge, avoid knee-jerk reactions, and please avoid trying to diagnose the problem. Help them get qualified treatment.

Centers for Disease Control
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention some of the risk factors for suicide are: previous suicide attempt(s), history of depression or other mental illness, alcohol or drug abuse, family history of suicide or violence, physical illness, and feeling alone. Protective factors are: effective clinical care for mental, physical, and substance abuse disorders; easy access to a variety of clinical interventions and support for help seeking; family and community support (connectedness); support from ongoing medical and mental health care relationships; skills in problem solving, conflict resolution, and nonviolent ways of handling disputes; cultural and religious beliefs that discourage suicide and support instincts for self-preservation. ("Suicide: Risk and Protective Factors," CDC; see also "Understanding Suicide," CDC Fact Sheet.)

If you are thinking of suicide, whatever you do, don't kill yourself. Seek qualified treatment. There is no shame in talking to a therapist. I did. If you are thinking about killing yourself, put it off, and keep putting it off. You can survive. There is hope.

Sincerely,

Troy

The Mormon concept of Heaven(s)

Related Posts: What is Kolob? ; Mormon Temple Worship

We believe that after the final judgment there are four places to which a person may be sent. They are the celestial kingdom, the terrestrial kingdom, the telestial kingdom, and outer darkness. The first three are referred to as the three degrees of glory, often compared to the sun, the moon, and the stars (D&C 76:70, 78, 98).

The celestial, terrestrial, and telestial are kingdoms of glory. Outer darkness is not a kingdom of glory. Any person who inherits one of the top three kingdoms is technically saved; and they are saved through the power of the Atonement of Christ. 

In common usage, the word “saved” typically refers to going to the celestial kingdom and “heaven” refers to the celestial kingdom.

So, what are these three heavens? And who goes where?

The celestial kingdom: the highest kingdom of glory
Those who are most valiant and obedient receive the celestial kingdom and enjoy the presence of God the Father and his Son Jesus Christ. They have been faithful in all things and have overcome the sins of this world through the power of the Atonement of Christ.

Those who inherit this glory are referred to collectively as the Church of the Firstborn (Heb. 12:21-23; D&C 76:54).

The celestial kingdom is divided into three subdivisions, but no terminology has been adopted to refer to them (D&C 131:1-4)--We know nothing about the two lower divisions. For a person to inherit the highest division he/she must (1) qualify for celestial glory and (2) be married for eternity, which means being married in a temple. If so, “they are gods, even the sons of God--Wherefore, all things are theirs…they are Christ’s, and Christ is God’s” (D&C 76:58-59; see also D&C 132:15-17).

The word exaltation refers to receiving the highest level in the celestial kingdom. To be exalted one “must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage]” (D&C 131:1-4; brackets original). We believe God’s work and glory is “to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39), which is also the work and glory of those who are exalted; they will work to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of their own spirit children. (See Heavenly Mother.)

In Mormon terminology the word “damned” does not imply hell. It means they cannot progress any further. Any person who does not inherit the highest level in the celestial kingdom is technically damned, meaning they cannot have an “increase.” (Matthew 24:3 speaks of “greater damnation” so it stands to reason there is a lesser one.) 

The Encyclopedia of Mormonism reads, 

Just as there are varying degrees and types of salvation, coupled with eternal progression in some areas…so are there varying degrees and types of damnation…Individuals are damned whenever they are prevented from reaching their full potential as children of God” (“Damnation”). 

Hence in his book Mormon Doctrine Apostle Bruce R. McConkie speaks of “full salvation” (“Salvation”).

Our scriptures tell us, 

All who have died without a knowledge of this gospel, who would have received it if they had been permitted to tarry, shall be heirs of the celestial kingdom of God; Also all that shall die henceforth without a knowledge of it, who would have received it with all their hearts, shall be heirs of that kingdom…[also] all children who die before they arrive at the years of accountability are saved in the celestial kingdom of heaven. (D&C 137:7-10).

The terrestrial kingdom: the second kingdom of glory
Those who go to the terrestrial kingdom are basically good people: they might have known about all the commandments of God but chose to live the basics only; or had the opportunity and spiritual witness to accept Jesus through baptism and decided not to take it. The scriptures tell us they were not “valiant in the testimony of Jesus” (D&C 76:79). They are “[the] honorable men of the earth, who were blinded by the craftiness of men” (D&C 76:75). They receive a portion of the Father's glory but not His full glory. They are also denied the presence of the Father, though they do receive visits from the Son Jesus Christ, who, in many respects is like the Father (John 14:9).

The telestial kingdom: the third kingdom of glory
The word telestial was, I believe, derived from the Greek word telos meaning last in a series. Those who go to the telestial kingdom are the really bad people. They “received not the gospel of Christ, neither the testimony of Jesus” (D&C 76:82)--not in this life, nor in the next. (See Spirit World.) They are “liars, and sorcerers, and adulterers, and whoremongers, and whosoever loves and makes a lie” (D&C 76:103).

Because they committed such grievous sins in mortality, and because they rejected Jesus who could have forgiven those sins, they must suffer the agony of their sins (Rev. 20:3; D&C 88:101). Only after their suffering will they inherit the lowest kingdom of glory. It appears that their suffering takes place in the spirit world (see Spirit World) and they are released from their torments at resurrection. What is their suffering like?

How sore you know not, how exquisite you know not, yea, how hard to bear you know not. For behold, I, God [i.e. Jesus Christ], have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent; But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I; Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit. (D&C 19:1-18)

We believe this suffering is what Jesus was speaking of when he said, “Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing” (Matt. 5:26).

After their torment they are freed from their punishments and inherit telestial glory. They enjoy the presence of the Holy Ghost but not of the Father or the Son. 

The glory of this lowest kingdom is said to surpass all understanding (D&C 76:89).


Why three degrees? 
Men will “be judged according to their works, and every man shall receive according to his own works, his own dominion, in the mansions which are prepared” (D&C 76:111). “For the Son of man shall…reward every man according to his works” (Matt. 16:27). Or, as it is described in the Book of Mormon:

...is the meaning of the word restoration to take a thing of a natural state and place it in an unnatural state, or to place it in a state opposite to its nature? …the meaning of the word restoration is to bring back again evil for evil, or carnal for carnal, or devilish for devilish--good for that which is good; righteous for that which is righteous; just for that which is just; merciful for that which is merciful. (Alma 41:12-13)

A few years ago I came up with a generic way of explaining why three degrees of glory. There are two kinds of commandments which God gives: the ones that say, “thou shalt”; and the ones that say, “thou shalt not.” Those who go to the celestial kingdom obeyed both; those who go to the terrestrial kingdom obeyed the thou shalt nots but neglected the thou shalts; and those who go to the telestial kingdom neglected both. 

Having said that, I should emphasize that this should not be taken too far; it is only a generic way of looking at it.

Outer darkness
Those who were so wicked that they have completely separated themselves from the redemptive power of Christ becomes Sons of Perdition. They suffer spiritual death (also called the second death) -- the first death being death of the physical body. They receive a kingdom that has no glory (D&C 88:22-24). (See “Sons of Perdition,” Encyclopedia of Mormonism.)

Jesus said, “All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men. And whosoever speaketh a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come” (Matt. 12:31-32). 

We sometimes refer to that blasphemy as the unforgivable sin (or the unpardonable sin).

In Mormon teachings it is not easy to qualify for perdition. Joseph Smith explained,

What must a man do to commit the unpardonable sin? He must receive the Holy Ghost, have the heavens opened unto him, and know God, and then sin against Him. After a man has sinned against the Holy Ghost, there is no repentance for him. He has got to say that the sun does not shine while he sees it; he has got to deny Jesus Christ when the heavens have been opened unto him, and to deny the plan of salvation with his eyes open to the truth of it. (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 358).

Some general comments
Mormons believe it would be terribly unfair if there were only one heaven and one hell. What about people are are basically good but didn't try to be better? What about really good people who are not Christian? We wonder how their condemnation could be reconciled to the love of God--Is Gandhi in hell? We believe that missionary work continues in the next life; so it is possible that those really good non-Christians will be exalted. And, those people who could have lived a more virtuous life and chose not to, they don’t suffer eternally in hell either. Eternal hell is very difficult to qualify for. Only a very few people will not receive some glory.

According to Mormon beliefs the celestial kingdom is a physical place--actually it's spread out into many places. We believe that eventually this earth will die and be reborn: The earth “shall be quickened again...and the righteous shall inherit it” (D&C 88:25-26). What this means is that the earth will become a “celestial kingdom” for those righteous persons who lived upon it. This is a literal interpretation of Jesus' saying, “the meek…shall inherit the earth” (Matt. 5:5). We also believe the sea of glass mentioned in Revelation (Rev. 4:6; Rev. 15:2) is “the earth, in its sanctified, immortal, and eternal state” (D&C 77:1). Because we believe there are many inhabited worlds (Moses 1:33-35) we also believe there are potentially many celestial kingdoms, where each celestialized world is the celestial kingdom of those who lived upon it during their mortal life. (See What is Kolob?)

Each celestial kingdom is a perfected planet. But speculating more is tempting but useless: Does it remain in this universe? Or does it go into a parallel God-verse. Before the advent of modern cosmology Mormons generally believed that everything took place in this universe. Early Apostle Orson Pratt, known for theological speculations, said in 1878,

Now, supposing we were immortal beings, and we stood upon one celestial world, away in a distant part of space, and others dwelling upon another celestial world innumerable miles distant from us, there may be a process by which we could communicate one to another, and ideas be exchanged, from world to world…This is the destiny of these worlds that twinkle in the firmament of heaven; they will finally arrive at that state of perfected existence…they will be full of light, like unto the sea of glass, that John the Revelator saw…What a happy state and condition, not only to study these things pertaining to this little world we inhabit, but to extend our researches to our neighboring worlds, learning the laws, institutions, and governments of the peoples that inhabit them, also their history, and everything pertaining to them, and then extend our researches still further. (JD, 19:292-293)

The above statement is not authoritative but I believe it represents what many early Mormons believed. Today the celestial kingdom is still understood to be physical planet-like sphere, a resurrected world. But most Mormons refrain from speculating more.

The New Testament
There are only intimations of the three degrees of glory found in the New Testament. The most commonly quoted scripture used to support our view is 1 Corinthians 15:40-41:

There are also celestial bodies, and bodies terrestrial: but the glory of the celestial is one, and the glory of the terrestrial is another. There is one glory of the sun, and another glory of the moon, and another glory of the stars: for one star differeth from another star in glory. So also is the resurrection of the dead.

Most non-Mormons interpret “celestial bodies” as heavenly bodies: sun, moon, and stars. And interpret “bodies terrestrial” as the earthly bodies of men and beasts. And interpret the glory of the sun, moon, and stars as meaning “…when they rise, [they] will be so far changed, that they will be fitted for the heavenly regions, and that there will be a variety of glories among the bodies of the dead, when they shall be raised, as there is among the sun, and moon, and stars, nay among the stars themselves” (Matthew Henry’s Commentary).

But Mormons understand the Corinthians passage in this way: just as there are glories among resurrected bodies there are three glories in which they abide. The Joseph Smith translation (See Mormons and the Bible: Part II) reads a little differently.

Also celestial bodies, and bodies terrestrial, and bodies telestial; but the glory of the celestial, one; and the terrestrial, another; and the telestial, another. There is one glory of the sun, and another glory of the moon, and another glory of the stars: for one star differeth from another star in glory. So also is the resurrection of the dead. (JST, 1 Cor. 15:41-42)

See Encyclopedia of Mormonism: Celestial Kingdom; Terrestrial Kingdom; Telestial Kingdom; Degrees of Glory; Unpardonable Sin